“so? Why should that stop you from applying for the new vacant position?”,  lynn asked.
“I am not really sure, I mean there is something that quite stops me from moving ahead. I don’t think there is  a lot of thought behind that anyways.”, I replied.
Lynn had been a close aide at work for quite some time now and we knew each other quite well. She had been at the helm of all my issues – fighting each of them and just cheering me up from all my graves. We often met in our office canteen for lunch. It was just another day.
“okay, I will leave now, will catch up later. Got a meeting”, Lynn rushed up with her mug of coffee in her hand.
“Yea sure. No problem” I kept sitting there.
30 minutes and 2 latte later.
“you still there? what are you up to today? Alone?” Lynn kept texting soon after she left her meeting
“Nothing, just a date with myself! haha”
“Oh kay! I get it. Date, hn? Enjoy your date with yourself.”
“Enjoy your date with yourself”
..
“Enjoy your date with yourself”, Nishita said.
“Yea, why not. Love yourself and you shall never be alone. Never ever”, I replied sitting in our office while I waited for Nishita.
“So, how was your date?”, she asked while she walked down the stairs and sat on my bike.
“Umm, why should I tell you? Isn’t that supposed to be a private thing? hahahah ”
We laughed together as we drove to the office.

Mid-way we saw a couple fighting on the road and I wonder why Nishita had a good laugh. She realised I felt a little wierd on this and to compensate she continued the conversation.

“Don’t you feel it’s quite boring to sit all by yourself on the terrace and just do nothing?”, she asked,
“Not when you have to hear yourself out. It feels great to bring out all the souls from inside you right infront of you.”
“okay okay., right! no more of this dark conversations anymore..Enjoy your date with yourself”.
..
Deja-vu feels good isn’t it? Certainly when they mine out the better times. But they also bring out the eerie memories that followed. I would never want to rewind and go back. For some moments are best viewed in history and not in present. Past often comes back to you – repackaged in a beautiful way and as destiny would have it, we fall for it each time. I guess it’s a lesson life keeps for  a select few, few who have to display impeccable character and integrity at a later stage in life. Deja-vu is nothing but destiny’s way of telling you that what you went through was not enough and you need to consume more of similar pills. When life gives you repeat lessons of the same trauma again and again, there is little you can do but to consume it again and again. Me , you and everyone you know – all are vulnerable to this tough lesson.

…

“You know what?”, Lynn said to me while she looked deep into my eyes.

“The way you notice me, I mean the way you notice the little things I do.. makes me fall for you sometimes. I hope you don’t mind what I just said.” Lynn walked away while she said this.

I looked outside the window and saw a couple- fighting  and in the background there was a faint giggle from Lynn.

DEJA-VU. 

There are instances that help you release the negative within you and then there are instances that push you further and deeper into negativity and isolation and silence. When I write instances, that combines people, situations, events and everything around. Such instances keep you out of your comfort zone and ensure you stay out.
People often want to move out of their insecurities and go ahead with life. Here they can possibly meet two types of situations – the one that inhibits and the other that encourages. The one factor that will help you come is how eagerly you wish to move away from the dark zone. The next big factor is the immediate external environment. How? Let me explain this to you.
Solace brings peace, tranquility and calmness of mind. It brings with it the independence to decide, to conversate with your own self and do things which you could not have done in an association. You might want to just stay within your room and listen to a music piece on loop for 20 hours. Solace and isolation does not question your actions, rather it accentuates whatever your mind wishes for – the feelings, the memories, wishes, dreams and whatever else you can enlist.

It is only next to true to say that solace is the best thing a human can have, but the story does not end here. Solace brings a pint of pros and a tonne of cons too. You start to disconnect with the physical and the practical world – possibly a family out there, a few friends, a few people who would really miss your presence. So there is all the reason to move out of solace and come out living in the open. But how well or how soon you come out depends upon a multitude of factors. One wrong situation, one wrong person and all efforts dusted.
People can be toxic and might tutor you about the right way to talk, to walk, to eat and dine and nearly everything else. They might compare you with others and even degrade you to a level of being a nobody. At this particular instant, the person is left with little reasons to survive outside and there are all the chances that he or she might move back into their own secure zone. After all, people live for peace of mind and life.

Ensure, you are never the one that bullies the one infront and push them back into their darker zones.

“..let me tell you one last thing. Irrespective of whatever goes around the moment I leave, I’m not and never going to mixup these two things. We couldn’t come together is defined by a logic and I can’t stop loving you, too, is defined by another logic. So never, ever try to push me into stopping loving you.”

“Hmm”

“.. And also I was here not because I wanted to create a rift amidst your life, just that I was really eager to see you go through. Not that I thought I’d ask you to stay. Because it was me who wanted you to sail back all the way where you came from and you very well knew why!”

I am at the railway station and even when I know I shouldn’t be expecting you here, I somehow feel you might just turn up and stop the hell out of me. That was what you did when I was at the station the last time we met. I don’t know what’s made you so so allergic to me this time, but I will really take this as a pro bono lesson for life.”

“I cannot keep texting you for long, he will really be pissed off if he sees me doing this again. I can only wish you luck. Bye”, Nishita sounded like she was done.
Praveen sat on the railway platform, waiting for the train to arrive and thinking what and where all went wrong? Why couldn’t he simply stop her and workout things? Why couldn’t he try consulting and coming to terms? How easily could she move away from something so complex? Or is she just doing what he suggested her to? Praveen, caught in his usual mind queue as he kept gazing the train schedule.

We often make decisions in life – some on the line of our wishes and some contrary to it. We try to live up to our expectations ourselves and seldom fail to disappoint ourselves. Not all decisions are fruitful but you need to stick to it. There are things beyond your realm and you need to acknowledge it. You could’ve been better doesn’t apply in places not meant for you.

It was over 4 years that Praveen wrote to Nishita from the railway station. His professional life went way ahead of what it was back then. But, as the evening sky rose up, nostalgia would clock in the nocturnal shades. He loved what he called his “our time”.

” I hope you stay happy with him and forget me completely.”
“That’s never gonna happen”, Nishita had once said.

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

“You there?”

“?”

Praveen waited for 10-15 second before he locked the phone and cross-folded my hands. The side seat of the bus was pushing in the cold air from the creeks of the window panes and it was getting nerve-wrecking chilled on the window seat. He waited for some time before falling asleep to the rushing tune of the cold wind. 

A vibration buzz broke his blink. He knew what it was, the very instant he felt the buzz. 

3 messages received from Nishita.

He would otherwise not quickly reply to any texts spurging on his screen, but today was a little different. He quickly opened the text. 

“I never knew, it would be so difficult without you”

“It’s barely a couple of hours since you are gone and I am already dying to hear you again”

“Lily says I look lost, come back please” 

It was a pleasant surprise for him. He was not expecting this, not so quick atleast. He wrote what he wanted to share, because he knew replying to her texts would take longer. 

“You know what? Everywhere I see out of the bus window, I see your name all around, on the shops, on other buses and on advertisement hoardings. I never knew Nishita was such a popular name.”

” (: “, Nishita replied. 

“I thought I was going away, but looks like it’s only going closer every minute.” Praveen wrote back. 

“This name isn’t going to die away anytime soon. It will trouble you around even when you start dyeing your hair 😀 “, Nishita tried to be funny, but it was evident she was not a cent of what she wanted to portray.  It was more like a clarion call to establish how deeply they were bonded during this short interval. 

“Call me up, when you reach the conclave, we are leaving for the district office.”

“Hmm”

Why did she say her name wasn’t going to die away soon? Are names not supposed to fade away? It was 4 years since they last had a conversation, but her name still etched in his mind, it was difficult for him to believe what he had been reduced to. He was barely out of his counselling sessions and his friends had requested him not to overthink anymore. But it was seldom in his hands. 

He stopped at the traffic. The shop near the traffic read, “Nishita IT Repair Center”
He heard a voice from within. 

“This name isn’t going to die away anytime soon. It will trouble you around even when you start dyeing your hair 😀 “,

Always Ranting, 

Rantzaada.

 

“..and it really never subsides”, I wrote the last line of the blog and closed the blogsite. 

I don’t know why I thought writing was a perfect antidepressant. Writing thought-free, structureless, in it’s own flow and rigour, turns out to be different. 

Does it cure? No. 

What then? It provides you instant relief for some time. A relief from your mental agony, troubled past, half-healed mind and body and a lot of impending sinister memories. But are there other long term effects? Unfortunately, No. 

How long before the pain subsides? Well, depends on what your reason is. In mathematics, there is a curve called the asymptote. An asymptote of a curve is a line such that the distance between the curve and the line approaches zero, as one of the coordinates tend to increase to infinity. I strongly see human tragedies as asymptotes to human age.They might decrease to a level where the external world stamps it as nearly invisible or ‘healed’, but it still never becomes equal to zero. It exists. All the time. 

The only considerable thing that might happen to oneself, is that other curves of life might become so dominant at some point in time, that these asymptotes will gradually become insignificant. To an extent where oneself might find him/her healed. But these are illusions. You cannot see the lower curve, because there is a dominant upper curve and not because there is no lower curve. These phenomenon make people believe they are ‘over it’, whereas the truth is that the human mind is never really so fragile to let pain go. Pain resides and it resides much longer and much stronger than moments of joy.

“Life goes on, moments of joy come and go, but the innate pain stays and it really never subsides.”

Always ranting,

Rantzaada.

“Beautiful, isn’t it? Isn’t it so wonderfully designed that it kind of conveys nearly everything that happened on that unfortunate evening?
“emm, I am not really sure. My idea of a memorial is one where in you look at something which has a direct resemblance to the person/place/object or time. You cannot have a new structure and call it a memorial. Not in my idea, atleast.” 

“By your definition, half of world’s memorials will stand invalid”

“Hehe, yeah! Anyways, my understanding of the world is way skewed and half of the things I wish are anyways invalid for everyone around me.” 

She smiled. No. Kind of laughed, but then that was all. My comic timing was not better yet. 

Wait, I wasn’t making a comic comment, was I?

They both stood infront of the grand war memorial that was built in remembrance of the 27 brave folks who could save the city from the big fire. Hand in hand, they moved around the memorial and then sat back across the plaza near the fountain. Things were different back then. 

4 years later, he sat working on his office workstation. Just a little tired from the long 2 days of work, he opened up his Facebook only to see a post he made 3 years back. 

“The face of it is very depressing. Death is depressing and so is the love of it”
The sudden flash of the night, the dark room and the carmine shaded bulb in his room, the damp walls and the mildew on the curtains – all made a round in his head. What has he come through? Between that evening at the memorial and today’s shiny office tables, there was a trough – a very deep and steep one for that matter. He had little hope, he would make it through. The rat poison was strong, they said. He was just a couple of inches away. 
What stopped him? 

A set of stationery on his table – a memoir of his past. What after he was done for what he scheduled for himself tonight? Will there be a memorial in his name? Is he worth it? Was she worth it? Is her memoir her memorial too? Something which he can look up to? 
A pen- a small sachet of coffee and a candy wrapper – and all of these made for him the best memorial of his life.

Always Ranting, 

Rantzaada.

“Are you pissed off with my long texts now?” Praveen asked,

“No, why do you say so?” Nishita replied.

“You haven’t been replying to so many of my messages. Feels like I am doing the talking alone. We can roll over if you’re sleepy.” 

“No no. It’s not that. I was thinking something”, she replied. 

“What?” 

“Why don’t you write? Like writing formally?” 

Praveen was puzzled. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“No, like writing on a blog, a journal or somewhere that creates a value for you. Your writings are self-explanatory and you are always able to create an image through your words. Not making this up, I actually asked a few friends to read that short story you’d written and you know what?” It was evident that Nishita would have chirped as she wrote this.

“What?”

“They just were so mesmerized by the plot of the story. You should write, definitely write. Period.” Praveen’s heart jumped with joy as her suggestion to him felt like an ordeal, a testimony. 

3 years later, as Praveen finished the first draft of the 3rd book. As he sat back into his chair, those words kept ringing into his mind. “Why don’t you write?”, “Why don’t you write?” 

It was as if those text messages sounded like Nishita back then. He never heard Nishita say that in person, but to him it was as if those words were spoken, not typed. Would she somewhere, somehow know Praveen still wrote? Wrote a lot more and a lot better? 

Why do people part? Why do they part when they become a habit? What happens to the habits once they part? Nothing changes. Yes, nothing changes. Not an ounce, not a drop. All that changes is the intent of your writing. Once written for a fixed readership, now only as a ritual. A pious ritual.

“It was not often that I wrote. I owe this last chapter to a lot of people, but I owe my special thanks to the special soul who inspired me to write first. Some souls are never to be named. They are only to be remembered and their memories caressed.

Hoping you keep reading” 

Praveen pulled back his chair and stood up. Opened the window infront of him. 9 days since he closed this window to complete his last chapter. Life had never been the same since she left. Humans have one heart, it seemed he had two. 

He went ahead and saved a fresh copy of the file. He renamed the draft as:

NI-SHI-TH : THE PERENNIAL NIGHT

Always Ranting, Rantzaada. 

It  was probably late evening that night and Praveen rushed up to the flower store and then over to the gift shop. He could barely sense a deep breath before he bumped in and entered the bus – 6A. Had he missed this bus, the only other option would have been an expensive cab. Somehow to his surprise, he got a seat in the last row of the bus. He sat there, the wind just beginning to come in through the narrow windows.
“where would she be right now? At the mall, or the office or near the sitting  area in the park?”, he thought to himself.
It was barely a month ago that everything worked okay between the two. It was only when the reminiscence of her past dawned upon Nishita that she felt strangulated and guilty in the new circle with Praveen. It was painful, sudden and an unfortunate day for Praveen and he was sure as hell, for Nishita too.
He was at the bus gate before his stop arrived. He was waiting for this day since long now and did not want to miss this opportunity to meet her again, or maybe just see her from a distance.
He rushed out from the bus stop to the mall first. This mall was where a famous song that both liked apparently, was shot. This spot had deep memories for him. He rushed to the spot, but she was nowhere to be found. Second, he rushed to the office where they both had begun their little journey a year back.
He opened the gates of the campus and entered inside. The floor felt like nostalgia. The nooks and the corners of the office building, everything felt like those days. He entered the porch and looked at the stair rails where they both would sit for long hours talking about aliens, life, stars and the moon. Things were good back then.

The moment Praveen entered the main hall, his body froze. The other person across the hall on the other end froze too.
They both froze.
He tried to hide the package behind his back, but he was barely hidden.
They both stood gazing at each other for a couple of  minutes before Praveen made a gesture smile. Very tough. Probably the toughest smile he had in some time.
Nishita turned back into the office and shut the door behind him. Nothing had changed. He knew what he was to do next. He left the package below the mango tree in the campus and left the campus. He was beyond happy and elated to see that nothing had changed between them. It is painful to see and witness a feeling die. They had left each other the last time with a certain feeling of unknown-ness, a feeling of being unaware of each other and today he felt the satisfaction that nothing had changed yet.
He left the campus , with a relaxed heart and a clear insight of whatever had happened. But something was clearly left behind. Something which Nishita would never dare to look back at. Destiny had not been easy with her too. Multiple hurricane stormed her life while she spent the most beautiful days with Praveen. But good days do end and so did her brief lovely stint with him. All she could do was to look back at those days with charm but dare not touch it. The package lay right outside her office seat but she never touched it for many weeks to come.
That was not just a package, but a moist emotions of Praveen packed in a lovely insulated plastic wrapper. Going close to that package meant going close to the past, which she could not afford now.
The package was all but a dry bouquet.

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

“..and then, when you grow that old, you will realise that you are no one and have zero control over anything around you. Whatever and however things run and happen, they all happen in their own way.”

We sat around the dining and gazed at her 69 year old face. We were meeting her after a long time and she was suffering a mild dementia and was diagnosed with a level 3 Alzheimer’s. It was difficult to imagine our childhood teacher who was endowed with impeccable memory and empathy for kids at school, would one day be surrounded by post-its on her wall and a maid who would caress her and take care of her needs. Whatever she said, was not just a patients quote, but the wholesome truth of life which she wanted to transfer to us.

We left her home after another couple of hours at her place. As I rode back home, those words echoed in my head.

“..you will realise that you are no one and have zero control over anything around you.”

This was way too deeper than what I had thought of it when I heard it for the first time. But isn’t this universal? People my age will rarely understand the rationale even if they identify it. When I kept thinking over this, I could locate all instances of my life where I thought I was the one on the steering wheel. Turns out, we are never there. Infact, life is not a car with you as the driver. Life instead, is an autonomous eV car with the central controls with some completely anonymous self, whose whereabouts are not known or seldom known.

Just realising this, is life changing in itself. Imagine not taking any amount of toll on yourself for anything that happens around. Just living each day with utmost sincerity and doing whatever is meant to be done without all the worries that accompany. Because the truth is, you cannot owe success or failure for anything that happens around you. It might take a life for someone to understand that they are just travelers in this life and nothing around them is meant to be controlled.

This is creepy and satisfying to think, both at the same time.

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

How do you coin a term for the first dream of the year?
Or let’s put it across this way,
How do you coin a term for the first person who rules your dream on the 1st sleep of the year?

Till the time this keeps you guessing, I wish to share this weird thought that comes into my mind with all my readers. How many lives do you think we are living in one life? One? Two ? Three? more than that… how do we know? Why do you think we are living multiple lives? You realise you have been living multiple lives only when one of those faces get torn by situations and that one very important character of your life dies. It is then that you realize what is lost. We are a spouse, a kin, a sibling, a friend , a lover, a professional, a society, an idol, an inspiration and so many other things at one go. Out of all these, there is one meek persona that we contain and that is the real you. The you when you are alone at the bank of the river and when nothing or no-one is around. That is the small, negligible you amidst all these personas that you carry around.
Imagine the amount of conditioning and learning you have undergone and all that learning and conditioning ,the society has left behind in form of different personas. Somewhere the real you gets bogged down under the garb of personality.

So, I bring myself back to the question I pose in the beginning of this read. Some people are very special. Special to the extent that you cannot even share the knowledge of their existence with others. You cannot let people know you’ve crossed paths with them. You cannot let your best friend know about that person. These are the people who frame up a major part of the real you.

Call your name loudly in your room or write your name on an erasable surface somewhere. How do your 5 senses respond to your name? What are the first feelings and the primary emotions that surface in your mind? What is the first human image that gets formed in your mind after seeing/hearing your name? whatever comes in your mind for the first few times, average all of that out and there you are. Whatever is the average is what your are. THE REAL YOU.

So, try and recall people who visit your dreams on all those important nights. These people are really close to you and savor them for the rest of your life- even if that means never seeing them or hearing of them.

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

“So, how many hours has it been? I see you are stuck to your smartphone since morning and it’s already 3 noon, how long will your laps last?”

My sister taunted and moved on.

I looked at the clock and saw the time. 2.53 pm. It was less than an hour for my next assignment deadline and I hadn’t really started typing out the report. I rushed out of bed and switched on my laptop. While the laptop logged in, something weird happened and I happened to delete the gaming app altogether from my smartphone. Something I can barely explain. This habit has been etched into me like a bolt on a fabricated unit.

Addictions to gaming apps is a trouble for the millennial generation. Not that it wasn’t there with the 90s kids, but it’s become more accessible from TVs to video games to PS to laptops to smartphones. All you need now is a working pair of thumbs, a good internet connection and some peaceful time.

Addictions are difficult to do away when they are more accessible.

You can ve addicted to an array of things, but there will be that one addiction which will make you crave the most. It can be a gaming app, a show, a book, a drug or a person. There are people who can not just do away with addictions. What happens when aam addiction kills you but you don’t have a way out?
You reflect and then deflect.

Tricky, as it sounds it is not easy to admit addiction in the very first place. You are addicted to something not because you’re attracted to it, but because you cannot do away with it. Doing away from addiction gives you pain, trauma and sometimes despair. Identification of addiction is a battle half won. Once that is done, we do acknowledge that there is a problem. This is reflection.

Post reflection, the usual route is to gradually slow it down and finally reach the ‘mark zero’. But wait, we’re discussing another case here. For people who cannot do away with the feeling, the alternate step is deflect. Move away instantaneously. Before you realize, deflect. It’s a way to fool your brain and take my words for it, this works.

Not to mention, it is not pleasant in any way. Recurrences are tragical, memories bring back happiness and with it comes along the desire to go back. But for the deflection, initiated by you this keeps becoming difficult.

There is a disease and there is the patient. There is an addiction and there is an addict. The analogy might not be analytical, but surely brings about the underlying reasons behind both.

Always ranting,
Rantzaada.

To,

Myself of 2020.

Hang on!

How is it there? Feels like kinda humid, doesn’t it?

I know right, before I start sounding like a bully from the future to you, let me just tell you something a little warmer in this cold of 2020. Though this year would feel like the worst you have seen and possibly are going to see for the coming future, let me tell you this will not pan out the way you think now.

A lot of things turning upside down, passion going for a toss and the melancholic melodrama that keeps unfolding in your brain every 3^rd day will persist for some time to come, so do not be tired of all those things right now. Stay afloat and just keep sailing, because the best is yet to come. I know this would sounds as freaking mundane as it can now, in your 2020, but believe me – the grass is a lot greener this side. Do not freak out when there are no buyers for what you think and for what you wish to achieve, because people this side do believe in you. A lot has to be changed by your ideas and your tomorrow is undergoing a mutation so huge that a revolution in your interest area awaits.

Regarding things that really trouble you from within, let them be. They’re still pertinent and very much relevant to what I am today. Not an inch less not an inch more. So do not waste your valuable time getting riddled by ways to disseminate that innate power. And regarding all the inferiority that has crept up in your mind by now ( I know of this and why, well I am you), just keep them away and keep hanging on. That little thin wire of hope that you are standing on, keep your toes pressed tightly. The times are going to change on you and change for the better. The better of all worlds is waiting for you and the future beholds things beyond what you have imagined. I wish I could just let you those things, but for the time being, just be aware that it will be a good future.

And yes, your love for food is not going to extinguish soon, so keep relishing.

I have been recently awarded for something big and No, I ain’t letting ya know what! Keep your finger’s crossed and keep hanging on.

I wish we could meet, but eagerly waiting you to reach here real happy.

Yours sincerely,

Yourself from the future.

I always mostly laughed upon people who were my parents age or a little younger than them, when I was a kid. I would have an entire class of students as an apparent close group of friends and there were these adults who would barely have 1 or 2 or atmost 3 people as their friend. They would visit each other’s houses frequently back then and would team up for any work – small to big.

20 years hence, I am close to where they were – adults. Being an adult is a difficult thing, if not the most difficult thing. The problem is when you become able enough to handle friends and people socially, relations start becoming mean. Friends turn to foes and chaps turn to anxious competitors, some on purpose and some with weird reasons.

In the past 4-5 years, I have seen a huge transfer of people in and out of my life. All thumbrules have failed, all the codes in my cheatsheet have expired and nothing now works on retaining friends or known people. Life is much complicated now and people do not stay anymore for reasons beyond profit. People have come in with full force and have gone out even faster.

Maybe there is no problem with this adult version of friendships, but there is an implicit weakness in me that makes me extremely vulnerable to such mechanisms. When people come in, I take a little time to settle down and come into a reasonable sync. But, Alas! People are way too quick with their ingress and egress. So almost every time, I am left aside in an incomplete mode still trying to concrete the findings of a ruined relation.

Probably this happens with many others too or maybe just with me. But all of this is discouraging. The more that happens, the more I am becoming numb towards these new entries in my life. People come in and I keep reminding myself that none of these are going to last- so be patient. Let them show up, stay and then pull back at their own will. In the end, I am just training myself to not to fall up to warm, friendly associations anymore.

Trying to become the crooked tree and not the straight one.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

When you let life take its course and you calmly wait for life to bring things to you and then keep choosing and checking the best opportunities available. This is how you can look back and smile at your own life. Once a week, a month or thrice a year – the frequency depends upon you. Taking back a trip to your own past makes you glide past those important but minor and tiny things that you once thought you’d remember for life, but soon forgot all of them in the rush.

At least once in a while you must sit down with yourself. turn back and take a trip with your mind and heart and see what all your life has gone through – the ups and the downs, successes and the failures, crushes and heartbreaks, mental, social or physical relations, wrong decision or right decisions or lucky decisions and so many other such things. It is important to remind yourself of all of these and experience a feeling of evolution from what you were at one point in time to what you are now.

Others might argue that we must not go and brush ourselves against the emotional baggage from the past. Well, I disagree to this point of view. Emotional baggage ( I would hate to call it a baggage in the first place) is not a load, but for me, it is a certificate of my past experiences. And I do never feel brushed against by my past. There are a few bitter things but I would prefer to look at the learnings out of them rather than completely chop them off my storyline. At the end of the day, those are my memories and pieces of a puzzle called ‘my life’. My stories, your stories or their stories cannot be ignored. Once cannot avoid them.

I am my story. You are your story and this can be extended to any living being anywhere in this world. Your experiences might not be pleasant, but none of them would be lesson-less. Never run from your past – because your present is a component of your past and your future anyway will be a product of your present. Don’t run from your own life, go – embrace it. Make merry at the better things and smile and walk past the bitter ones.

Walk past your past.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

“there was this, wonderful thing with her – I mean, she would just look at the ceiling this way and …”, and he paused for around 10 seconds. We three kept looking at his silent face. His lips trying to bring his nostalgic drought to normalcy. His eyes trying to look for the spot she would keep looking for long. It was not that they had enough time to let him keep getting lost every 3-4 minutes, but merely looking at him and the depth and breadth of his feelings, they did not disturb him.

“…and ask me, if I would stay with her for as long as she wanted and I would smile and say yes!”

The three of us smiled. Long, sophisticated and stretched smile.

“I never knew she would want me to stay with her for a short time instead. I mean we never showed it to each other, but we did love each other a lot. This was not just between us, but I am very sure the others around knew it well too. She definitely was the most beautiful lady inside out, that I had ever come across.”

He again started looking into the wine glass – that by now, was half over. We were all stuck there, we could not move away nor did we wish to stop listening to him. The memories made him nostalgic and not just that it intermittently moved him there – right in the past.

How do people enter into a solemn state of memories so often? What does that mean? If you move to a different plane of memory while you remember someone or talking of them, this definitely denotes that there are conversations which need closure. There are scenarios that need closure and there are moments that need a closure. Those blank moments are nothing but the spaces that have been turned into puddles over the time and now they are just there, stuck in between the memories and the conversations. They are bound to come in every time one tries to bring back memories.

We were not very happy with what happened at the café –a small conversation turned into a 2 hour long monologue, but we kind of felt satisfied that we gave a virtual sense of realizing the nostalgia of the old man.

All those blanks were frozen pieces of nostalgia.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

I often think that the world is a weird place. Weird enough to make you a creep. Weird enough to break and shatter your planes of trusts and faith. Weird enough to make you an anti-human. Now, anti-human is a big term – but there are reasons I say so. Your survival on this earth – depends on two factors, one on the amount of struggle you can put forth and next the readiness by which  you can agree to adjust for something you never wished for.

How flexible are you?

Can you bend down to the situations to ensure survival? Does that make you sound weak and downtrodden? We often think of bending down as a sign of weakness and that of the one with lower fighting instincts. But is struggle for survival always so vital? Why cannot we be the one who is modest, grounded and still be firm by roots?

See that tall coconut tree? It has a root beyond our imaginations, probably deeper and stronger than the mango tree next to it, but just look at how this coconut could bend down to eternity in the storm and is still standing tall, while the mango tree lost 3 of its main branches and hugely damaged the central trunk. That is what being modest and humble has to do with life. You bend down to normalcy in tough times, break all the shackles of your tallness and depth and the breadth of life you encapsulate and bend down to survival.

It is all about progressing in good and the normal times and on all the other days it is about staying up and survival.

Keep up and survive. That is the only mantra that life has to give to you.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

Every day is such a surprise. Big surprise. When one wakes up in the morning, little do we realize what kind of night is deemed to turn up. When we sleep through the night, our senses are unaware of whatever is going to come along the next dawn. Yesterdays seem obvious, while tomorrow is uncertain. When we look back, it feels like whatever happened – was bound to happen.

But that is mostly our human ego trying to satisfy its own intelligence. Neither of us ever had an idea a day before yesterday, about the things which were about to happen a day after. What are these future forecasts for? What are these sun signs and constellations for? What does a tarot tell you? What does the crystal ball say?

Without going into the science of these instruments and methods, let us learn to agree on one common ground – all the methods to peep through tomorrow are meagre tools to satisfy our own internal wishes and fantasies, fears and apprehensions from within and the doubts and the enquiries we would have always wanted to make in our lives.

“But, we knew this was coming, didn’t we? Why did neither of us ensure distance, if we knew that all it will lead to is a chaotic tomorrow?”, Nishita said.

Praveen kept looking at her through the screen of the phone as if her words slapped him through and through. It was something, they were both aware of- but neither of them took their steps back. Minutes of interaction turned into hours, hours into days and days into weeks and within a few weeks, they both felt as if they had a full control on the tomorrow.

“Umm, yea. We did know. I never realized it would be that tough to step back. We don’t form relations this deep, this quick – do we? Just been 5 weeks, who would have thought it would be so so painful?”, Praveen replied.

Both of them looked at each other for a minute. A pair of eyes staring into the virtual imagery of the other pair some 600 miles away. The eyes did all the talking. Their lips wanted to speak and free their minds. But the lips are a little restricted with their expressions – they need words, syllables and tones. Eyes do this much easily. Heavy hearts, misty eyes and trembling lips- wanting to speak, but zipped.

“I need to cut off and leave now Praveen. I am really not sure if this is the way we must end this. I am really not sure of anything right now- not me, not you, not anyone. I just want things to get back to normal and I don’t see that happening, if we keep talking around. Lets call it a day now. We both need to stay happy and content with our own lives. It is tough, but, take care Praveen. It was really really good ….”

She kept speaking. Praveen kept starting at her through the screen while she kept talking across the end. It was as if, he had to choose what to do- to hear what she said or just to look at her face for as long as he could. He realized a little later that she had stopped talking and was expecting a reply from him. He mumbled something which he couldn’t feel himself.

They cut the call. He disconnected the mic from the tablet and lay down on the bed. Right beside him were two tickets to the annual folk festival which they had planned to visit tonight.

Tonight. Today ruined the tonight.

We will never know. Praveen did not, so did Nishita. Neither will you nor I.

The tomorrow is cruel.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

When you keep hopping from one person to the other, from one place to the other, from one work to the other – you do gain a lot of experience – some bitter some sweet, but majorly those that you gain while trying to re-prove yourself. Every new situation, every new person, every new friend, you constantly need to prove yourself to them. Life is a constantly changing drama and the set changes before you even get  into the character deeply.

I sometime feel jealous of those who do not desire highly and stay “settled”. I have always wanted to be one of that type, but at this juncture I now find myself running, running towards the utopian oblivion – mostly alone. You do have families and friends and all the close fraternity around you, but then ideologically, innate presence of someone whom you can resonate with is usually missing.

We’ve been shifting goals our whole life. Changing friends, changing study areas, changing scenarios and while we do all of this, a major phenomenon keep repeating all the while. Establishing yourself. Everywhere we go, everything we do, consciously or sub-consciously we keep doing this around us. That is a basic human instinct – to keep a zone of influence around- either by relations, by certain power or by performance. We try establishing ourselves as valuable to the community around.

When this process happens too many times, we enter into the next phase of this strenuous series of steps – fatigue. You start getting tired with this repeated process of proving-establishing-valuation. While I write this, it hits me that probably this is the reason why great academicians, professionals who have been “too long” into their work or profession, care less about the world or to prove themselves.

Rather, the best way it seems is to continuously work towards your own goal and take along a few you care about. It is not vital or essential to entertain the entire community around you and justify your efforts or skills.

Saying or writing all of this is easy. Living it in real is difficult. This is difficult and so is life.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

Dreams fade faster than they come up. Days, when you start realising that it’s time to pack up. The script is closing and your part in the play is coming to an end. There are mixed feelings-always. Firstly, a feeling of relaxation from the immense pressure you act under and secondly a feeling of remorse as the loved script comes to its fate. Probably we would have wanted the play to last a little longer, but at the same time being aware that someday this will end tomorrow, if not today.
Human heart is palpable. It wants a little more of the good things and demands s little cut on the undesirable things. Pack up is certainly not often desirable. It takes a huge effort to get introduced to an idea, nurture it, grow with it, see it taking over and then one day deciding to just quell it. Takes hearts, takes courage.
If you would ever plot a graph of difficulty vs time during the entire duration of attachment with the play, it would strictly look like a U shaped curve. Attachment with the act is highest at the beginning and at the end. It is nearly infinity. Somewhere in the central duration, the scripts don’t attract you a lot and you start losing the plot. You want the play to finish off early and right then the feeling of the terminal end begins
But a few things are universally true and so is the beginning and end of the play. Such temporal activities and their control is beyond our lives. We have ways to adopt to it – live the script or play the script. Either ways – you will experience an end.
I am living the script and mine is temporally infinite, I hope. What is yours?

---

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

Life comes infront of us in all forms. Sometimes as funny as Chaplin, sometime a gruesome fighter, somedays as a superhero saving us from hurdles and someday with an expression whose judgement is difficult. Such situations come more often than we all desire for.
The fun part is when the waters increase beyond perception, we barely come to know of it. We only become aware once all movement ceases. When the basic systems and the vitals of life stop. It is when the breathing of an organism stops, that is starts gasping for life. So is life itself. When the life systems begin to choke, it is then that life begins to gasp and in such situations we are barely left with choices, but to panic, rattle and run around.
By whatever little experience of life I have had till now, there is one thing which we all can do when the biggest troubles surmount us. STAY CALM. It is definitely not easy and which is why I need to write about it here. Stay calm and then react whatever that moment needs you to react onto. Go ahead – take decisions, shift charges, overtake emotions – but stay calm.
It is often in the calmest of waters the boats run smooth. You can only see true images of your decisions when the waters are still. So when life makes it tough for you, you make it smooth for life. Stay calm.
Emotions will run in all directions. Let them run first, then gauge it and check the directions – then stop them. You need to be in full control of your emotions or atleast act like you do.
___________
Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Have a good day dear”

“Have a nice day”

“Good day”

“I wish you a great day ahead”

Why do we wish “goodness” to people for their upcoming day/tenure? Whenever someone greets me for a good day, I do think for a second- though I never react over it. It is akin to gifting a utopian dream to someone. What is a day is difficult? What is it is challenging? Is it bad?

Is having a day to live ahead in itself not a beautiful gift? Are challenges, difficulties and struggles along your day not another form of lessons and hence a gift as well? Why have we fabricated this weird bubble around us that a “not so good day” is a bad day? I am absolutely against this perception of a good day.

While this does make people crave for “a good day” ahead, on the other hand it also makes people become weak the moment something adverse falls upon them. Why do you want the day to be a good day? Wouldn’t it be better to let the day come as it has to and instead just stay strong for whatever was about to come?

Would it not be a better option to tell a person early morning, “may you be stronger than always today and come home being a better person?” This would let them face challenges, not crib at situations, look upto challenges and face them with all might and sometimes emerge victorious or learn a lesson at the rest of them.

But yes, it would not be as short and crisp as a “have a good day”. Short and crisp matters a lot in todays world. Phrases have to be sophisticated and aesthetic.

Anyways,

Have a good day.

__________

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

Most of us voyage out of our homes at an early age – for education, for career or just for a better future. While we all move out, we leave a whole world behind us – the childhood world, the safe home, the surroundings and nearly everything nostalgic. When we end up at a new place trying to restructure our lives into an entirely new organism, we often fail to find key pieces to fit into our struggle puzzle. Some key pieces might include a long lost friend, a beautiful childhood road, and the corner of a park or the aroma of a mother’s recipe. When you move out, you miss all these things and you miss them so terribly, that the other important works come to a standstill. Yes, the absence can be that toxic.

At some point while trying to manage your own newly-built life, you might end up placing some key elements around you, that will endeavor to substitute the earlier world around you. Things can range from a small pen to a typical souvenir, from a celebrities signature to a hand printed kerchief from a loved one, it can be anything.

Gradually and steadily, this world keeps increasing. From little objects to a new house, from a new house to a new neighborhood and a new settlement, the world around you develops.

What then, happens to your old world? Does it vanish? Does it cease to exist? Or does it come into conflict with the new one? The answer to this is tricky and might be highly sensitive to the context and the person in question. In my case, these two world are mutually exclusive, that is, they do not have anything in common. So I can keep juggling between them with ease.

Well, it can different for you and something entirely different for your best friend. Sit down on an evening and think of what your world around you represent? Is it something that has shaped you over the years or does not completely represent who you are? Look out, seek answers and explore more of this world around you.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

What is it?

I remember from my childhood – instances wherein, I used to have light stomach ache and my parents would ask me, “what is it?”, “where is it that you feel the pain?” and most often I would locate some point on my little tummy and indicate the pain. My locations were not often precise, but they kind of gave a rough idea to the doctors or my parents. When you are in problem, even a rough description gives a big lead.

While all of this might carry little or no sense today, but they hold the same value yet. Realisation of a problem, is the first step towards its solution. Today most of us, most of the time are caught in a weird spiral of unknown emotions. Emotions that are mostly un-traceable. Emotions which rush through, but are not identifiable.

I mean, on such days you will find huge scores of emotional swings within you, you will find something strange rushing around you and feel like your heart is sinking. Most weird things will happen with you through the day, but you will be in no position to take a call on what exactly has happened. When you don’t have a trace of what is happening within you. You begin to feel restless, uneasy, and emotionally fragile and so on, but never in a position to explain.

And as we grow up, such occurrences are going to become even more frequent. There will such days which will drown you within your own self. At all such times, there is only one refuge – start learning the art of conversation with yourself.

It is difficult, it is obsolete, but for me – it has been the sole reason of doing away with such emotionally confusing moments. Do not let yourself fall vulnerable to such games. Train yourself to do a conversation with yourself. In any situation, even if there is no one around, you will have yourself at close quarters. Explain, give solutions, discuss and do whatever provides you solace. Remember, no one knows you better than yourself.

Self-interaction is vital, critical and important. Do not shy away from it. Do not wait for someone else to ask you, “what is it?”

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

•  

What would I be? Heard this question ever, from within? Or heard it in the form of what would you be, if not this? The very idea of imagining what “might” have been is always exciting and gives a respite from the mundane daily thoughts. It brings that degree of uncertainty within the thoughts and gives greater room for imagination. We all want to be so much more than what we all are. We all want to be different, we want different people, we need different environment and we all are craving for diffrent sets of emotions for ourselves. But how often do we really think this critically for the things we had but we never attended to properly?
What would I be? Why don’t we ever ask – what else could I be? Would is such an imaginative supposition. Could makes you responsible for the action. We all must sometime take turns at thinking of what else we could be in the long run of life. Choices ranging from career to friends, from the selection of a home to the dearly tourist spot all could’ve been completely different by the brink of a different thought. What would it feel like? Once your start creating these scenarios in your head, you will realize that you’ve been, mostly on the safer and better side of what life has offered you.
While this might sound like a rough and random generalisation, try this out to believe it. It would be the best feeling to see through all you could’ve been and all you are. Most of these comparisons would come or positive for you.
The point that I wish to raise here is not a debate between what I am and what I could’ve been. No, definitely not. What I want you to understand, that most events in our lives ultimately make things easier for us. We must be grateful to what we’re into and what we’re upto. After all, it’s just the matter of could vs would.

Always ranting,
Rantzaada

Rush.

More rush.

Panic.

Adrenaline.

Even more rush.

More adrenaline.

Closure.

Future Rush

More plans for future rush

….

What now?

What does an athlete possibly think once they cross the finish line? To rest, to feel happy about it?

“So what was your thought, as you crossed the line or more so, as you were about to cross the line?”, I asked my friend while returning home after his first 200m gold at the university athlete meet.

“Nothing much, just that I was constantly hoping that I would have broken the past record of 23 seconds. I was not even aware if I was winning. It was only after I crossed the line and saw no one to my sides that I realised I had won. It was a mad run”, he said as I drove his bike home.

We talked for another hour on the terrace of his house and he kept talking about how he has failed thrice to beat the past university record. I intervened and reminded him that wasn’t he happy that he won a gold all the 3 times and actually beat the others by a large margin? He said he was not racing for my opponents, but for my own self and winning among the mediocre is not something I am aiming at.

I for one second felt proud of him and the very next second fell into deep thought for what we were making our lives into! We are running and running fast for that matter. But every time we step on a milestone, we start looking at the next one. It is good to be ambitious, but it is fatal to be over-ambitious.

We forget/ignore the thin line between living for excellence and excellence for a life. It is mandatory that we pause for a moment and thank our efforts. Thank the soul within you that went across interests and outside its comfort zones to keep you motivated and up for the same.

Run, run as fast as you can. But remember, the run should be because of your visions and not just because there was a competition to start with. Do not start looking for the second finish line as soon as you finish the first one. Take a pause, look at the finish line, look at the track behind, express gratitude. Acknowledge your conditions and the efforts and then go ahead with other things, like the second line.

All we need to understand is that a lot happens between the finish line and the next start line.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

It wasn’t that late, yet I was rushing back home.  Peddling as fast as I could, I would have been cycling at approximately 18 kmph, which is quite some speed for a bike. I could barely feel my feet as they went rolling with the pedals in some strange harmonious manner. Felt as if they were not a part of me. All I could see was, the road and the metal top where I could maneuver my bike.

It is weird to realize that a specific thought in your mind can pour in inexplicable amount of power into you, so much so that your biking speed doubles or even triples. How can something-someone so calm and quiet create such a storm within you? It is weird, yet interesting at the same time. It definitely calls for some deeper introspection, but right now all I was centered on was reaching home as early as possible,

It took me a third of the regular 25 minutes to reach home today. I went in, locked my bike and rushed to my room. I could feel the feelings splurging out as I tried to rush-open my lock. As soon as the door opened, I threw the bag at one side and lay flat on the bed. It was as if a loud heavy bell was ringing inside my ears. A loud thump and a generous touch – both at the same time. I could still feel my legs rumbling with inactivity. It was as if, I was partly into a discotheque and part into a temple. Such mixed expressions and feelings.

After some 10 minutes or so, I could breathe slowly now. My legs were finally calmer than ever before and my heart was now resonating with the ceiling fan which on a slow mode. I took out my headsets and played my recent favorite song on it. The song said,

Head in the ceiling fan goes rolling

and missing like bullets slamming into deer skin.

Glued my green eyes to your face.

I’m blind. Follow footsteps, a bleeding bloodline.

Head in the ceiling fan goes rolling

and missing like bullets slamming into deer skin.

While the song repeated itself for the next 12 minutes, I took out my phone and opened my message inbox.

I wrote “I miss you” and I sent the text.

Glued my green eyes to your face.

I’m blind. Follow footsteps, a bleeding bloodline.

Head in the ceiling fan goes rolling

and missing like bullets slamming into deer skin.

______________

Lyrics by Title flight, “Floral Green”, 2012.

__________________________________________

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

“Where are your friends these days?”, the priest asked the kid who stood like speedy motorbike stopped by a sturdy wall.

“Their holidays are over”, he replied while he slipped away from the priests as if it was hazardous to stay there.

These kids were quite known in the premises of the temple. Every day one of these three would come to the old Shiva temple and pour a cup of water everyday. The priests were often quizzed and surprised at their punctuality. It had become more of a daily event for the people involved in the temple to watch these little kids jump in the temple premises and do the daily ritual. It gave them immense joy to see the devotion of these kids.

A couple of months later though, two of these kids stopped coming. It was only the third kid who would come daily and do what they’d been doing all these months. This surprised the priests even more. A few days into this, the third kid also stopped coming.

Soon in a few months, the memories of the kids coming to the temple, became limited to the conversation of the locals.

It was not until 2 years later that one of the kids visited the temple with his parents. A small rustic family car stopped at the temple gate and the kid jumped out of the car. To his dismay, he was unable to find the small idol of Shiva where they used to offer water everyday. The small temple was built into a large complex and their small Shiva lingam and the small structure was now gone.

He went searching for it in the entire temple, but was not able to find it. His little hands held a small vessel with the offering water filled up to the half of the vessel. The kids mother asked him to offer the water on some other deity. But the kid was still lost looking for something identifiable. Suddenly he found a small black stone which used to be right outside the lingam space, out in the open. He went close to the stone and offered his water there. The parents were surprised at what he did. When asked, the kid replied – “the stone lived with Shiva, so it is also like Shiva to me”

The family was a little startled at the kind of statement the kid made and without much discussion, they moved ahead inside the temple complex.

The kid’s emotions were pure and dedicated. It really does not matter if the primary source of your dedication becomes invisible or stays out of your sight, you always have another black stone that will act as a proxy to what you respected or had an affection for. It could be a black stone, a human or a place. What matters is the bliss you experience in a particular environment.

So while you are enjoying life in all the colorful pursuits of this world, also keep looking out for the black stones out there. Everything is poised to go one day and even if that goes, the black stone is here to stay.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

This is a continuation of the Rant 245 : The dilemma of the lama – 3.  Read it at the below link.
https://the11oclockdiary.home.blog/2020/03/29/rant-246-the-dilemma-of-the-lama-3/

It was the third day of the conference and Doc, climbed up the dais. As the crowd cheered and clapped, Doc took his position behind the mic. He moved his right hand towards the microphone and adjusted its orientation to suit his height, cleared his throat. A sweat trickled down his left temple while he looked at the large gathering. He opened up his file and took out a neat single sheet of paper with a small paragraph printed on it.

“I hereby promise to ensure my own good health, well-being and sharp abilities to provide mental health care of the highest standard. I shall use the knowledge I have gained over the years, to the welfare of the individuals, the society and the humanity as a whole. This I promise upto the honour of this revered association.”

Loud applauds from the audience bore testimony to what he had apparently become – the kingpin and the flag bearer of the medical association he was associate with. He was given this reward for his outstanding service he had made to the community in the last 4 years and the numerous teenage lives he had saved from several mental blockages.

“I now invite Doc to come over the dais and share with us his journey to this coveted chair”

He stood behind that mic once again, a little relaxed than before. He unbuttoned his shirt cuffs and folded the sleeves twice.

“From this dais, I wish to first send my message to the one who had my back all throughout this journey. I don’t know where you are, but I wish to let you know that all I want now, is to go out, meet you and take a stroll on green grass.”

They said everyone was here for a role, they said everyone here had a purpose. What is it? Yes, there is a purpose – but who tells me what it is? Where do I go asking for it? A temple, a municipal office, the parliament or the UN? Who tells me my purpose? A doctor, a scientist or the local priest? I really believe I am here for a purpose, but whose going to tell me or help me find that one purpose?

Well, to be honest, I have found no one still. Yes, there are minor references at times, but mostly references – not direct evidences. Life brings nothing upto you that easily and this is no exception. It will come to you slowly and across many spells. Tiny bit-by-bit, things will keep emerging in front of you and all you need to do, is to collect the pieces together and complete the puzzle.

Our life hints us all the times (well, it would be so much better if it was a direct message). We are usually devoid of the skills do all of this. Sages do. So what is the better way to get a cleaner hold of all this?

There is a thumb rule to it. Go ahead and do things that you love (not like). Everything else is consequential. It will follow. Great things are often a resultant of good things. Be involved with your favoirute things – directly or indirectly. Keep testing yourself and do better and better each time. If not, atleast endeavour for the same. Stay competitive, but stay relevant to what you love. Because when the world begins to crumble down, when the sky begins to fall and the heavens come down, you and your love, you and your passion remains. It is only all of this that will ignite motivation in you to stand tall and  run towards your goal.

Once you start listening to yourself and understandin it well, you will soon start getting hints and directions from the same. Wishing us all a very happy self-realisation.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Sir, can I please discontinue?” he said.

He was taken back for a moment. It was just a month that he had started his training and his very first student was now turning away.

Right after he asked this, Dr Sen was caught in a limbo. Should I ask the reason behind the decision? Should I ask him for what I can get better with? Should I ask for a formal feedback? Just while he was thinking about all this, his lips gave in.

“Yea sure”, Dr said.

It was indeed a day of great self-introspection and then while he was thinking over all of this, he suddenly paused and thanked his mind and heart on doing the correct thing by simply answer what the student asked. It was his individual right to leave and it was a waste to somehow try and hold on to the student.

When someone has already thought of talk of letting go, that has already come at a lot of thought. Any efforts of pausing the let off, will just lead to an even greater breakdown the next time. So it kind of becomes your responsibility to help let that person leave before they further get hurt by anything else.

Deciding to opt out must remain an individual power than a group action.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

You can be anything in this world, but invincible. Life is not a one-way ladder, wherein you keep cruising ahead. It can go either ways. Life keeps throwing juggles time  to time, to  test us if we are at all in the league, where life wants us to be. While you might be handling and efficient at multiple complicated things, at times – some really simple thing can break your mind out. It might test your entire fundamental of life to achieve a small task. Such are the nuances of life.

There will be days when a subordinate at work will challenge you with something so obsolete and meagre that in the first look it will feel like absolute disgrace to lose. But then you lose and rightly so! We often assume or take for granted a few qualities of our past that they come back to haunt us. To haunt us in the worst of the ways. When it comes back to you, do not refrain, do not run away. Face it. Every time you read a previous chapter, you learn something entirely new, something that you could never learn when you were there first-hand. So take the defeat with a pinch of salt and welcome the lessons. Every bit of it will make you an even better and an even worthy person than what you are right now.

So, be mentally ready for the tiny bullets that might someday hurt you the most.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Hey, listen it wasn’t my fault, you’re clearly misunderstanding me.”

“No, I am done with all this crap, you said what you had to say”, she blasted him on his face.

His fingers nerved, he typed his reply rather hastily, “Listen, I can explain this to you, It was not what you thought it meant. Dude!”

“Listen to me once!!”

….

Thousands of stories end this way, daily. What do you do when someone misunderstands, misquotes, misdirects or mislead you? Do you quit? Or try explaining? If you wish to explain, for how long? Numerous times? 1,10,100? Is that not akin to demeaning your self respect? What happens, if your desire to stay afloat is taken as your weakness? Do you need people who exploit and feed on you? Certainly not. But then, that want to try and approach one more time is perennial. Our mind and heart always taunts us to go and try one last time, believing that the impossible might well happen.

The greed to Utopian connections and the happiest world is intense and it kind of kills you and your confidence. So it is important, we know a limit, we draw it correctly and abide by it. I have made my own line of actual control (LAC).

One  – Approach with apology

Just after the fiasco takes place, be modest and approach with an apology, that even if you did not mean it in the first place, if it at all hurt someone, you apologize. After all, hurting anyone – even unknowingly is not pleasant.

Two – Approach with a fresh mind – 1

Your apology probably did not work, there can be two probabilities – that you’re not to be forgiven now ever or maybe they don’t want to talk about it anymore or they want to simply get over that event to the regular normal they are with you. So take the “two” hit once and genuinely. If it works, it works, if not…

Three – Approach with a fresh mind -2

Chances are that in “two” they didn’t want to talk about that event anymore. So this is a confirmation step. If the gush of fresh conversation, still doesn’t create any change in the person infront, my friend – it is time to call the cattle back home. Realise that it doesn’t seem to work anymore and that the person infront is really not interested anymore and you have done enough to create a spark of conversation between you two.

Move over the guilt and go to the next stop. Zero – rest. Pat your back that you did your best to call in twice and that it was probably not going to spark from your end possibly. If at all, there exist a symphony, the person in front will come back for a conversation – maybe One, Two or a Three.

I have tried this several times myself and most genuine people workout at Step Two, while some disgruntled people come back to regular at Step Three. I call upon zero realizing that it was all that I could do and nothing more from my end can bring the regular back. Life has to go on. We have to go on, I need to go on.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

I am a star.

Yes, I am a star. A star you cannot afford.

Life is not unfair, it’s just consequential – what you sow, so you reap. But sometimes, things from the adjacent house come towering over when you and that happens when the winds are terrible, when the sky is dark and when the locks don’t work. I repeat, life is not unfair, its just consequential.

You cried when you remembered the pal who left away? Why not cry for a few seconds and then smile at the new pals, new places and better opportunities that came along? It nerved you when you  saw your annual results. Get nerved for a moment and then smile because that lead you to where you are today. Remember, you are nothing short of a star and do not let anyone tell you that you cannot do something.

I remember a dialogue from the pursuit of happiness, do not let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. For me, that kind of changed my life and no I am not a blockbuster yet, but I began living my life at my terms (my doesn’t mean just me, but everyone close to me).

And now, close to stepping into mid-life, I realise how important a decision that was. That decision taught me the art of negotiation with those who matter. To learn the way of explaining yourself to someone. To learn how to keep up with your losses and the pits in the path you’ve chosen for yourself. The greatest self-motivation to fight something comes when the path is a chosen one. When you are pushed upon something, nothing pushes you to correct the wrongs on that path.

So, don’t feel feeble when turns take you away – they’re taking you on a highway, a much faster one and a wider one.  So pack up your seatbelts and enjoy the ride, even if it is a bumpy one.

Because out of all the chaos that lies around, out of the billions of eyes that gaze at you and the billion hearts that beat with you – you’re the one star. Be the star you always wanted to be.

You’re a star I cannot afford!

Yes, I am a star. A star you cannot afford.

I am a star.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Don’t shout this around, please. You know about it and that is fine for me now. No more publicity. Please”, I begged him while we walked towards the café.

“Dude, isn’t this worth shouting and collecting people on? You’ve got a worthy job and I believe it is absolutely fine to let our peers know about it and plus they will make you spend stuff and that is cool. Lol”, He replied.

“No, please no!” Hey! Stop!!”, I ran after him.

We kept talking about this the whole night and I told him all the stories of the application and the interview and how things moved around. How they felt to have declined at a point, but then surged up again to reality. But he kept back asking, why I did not want him to let others know about this? Well, I surely wouldn’t let every thing out of me so easily and to everyone out there. Some recipes are best well hidden.

Primarily, my efforts to conceal happy moments in life are to ensure that my weakness doesn’t surface out. I really do not know how to respond to things like, “congratulations” or “happy birthday” for instance. I would rather face the army interview board than face a person coming to congratulate me. Might sound gibberish but yes that is the truth and the reason behind why I often become digitally inactive a days before birthdays, results, etc.

If one digs even deeper, it is probably not “just” the weakness of not knowing how to react, but the attempt to not let anyone into your zone accept the select ones you want to. Such people also have the weakness of restricting people from entering their spaces. So, since they are unable to stop people from coming their zones and they don’t want them in their zones in the first place, they prefer to stay silent. To stay anonymous. And of course, this ultimately leads them to becoming allergic to congratulatory wishes and exclamations.

Rest, no one denies happiness, no one denies social acceptance and a good thriving, happy community. But, there are reasons, less discussed, which lead people to do this. Anyways, it is always pretty to be silent.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Why do you keep doing this? Please don’t make it way more difficult now, I’ve already had enough”, she walked away after she was done speaking her heart out.

There he stood, tongue in cheek and lost amidst whatever she said.

“I’d lingered around her more than she could bear, probably the reason…” he thought to himself.

Well, not just he, but almost all of us have this peculiar habit of loading the whole of our self onto people who assure shelter. It is a natural tendency which is often magnified by the want of care. The more someone cares, the more we keep tilting on them to get more and more affection. But mostly in the meanwhile we forget that this is not what life has in store for us. Such people are there for counted moments and leaning on them is possibly not the best option available.

To live without leaning too much on someone, so much as to derelict them of their own space, must be vision for life. Leaning on someone must be calculated. No one living on this earth wants people to encroach on their own space and rightly so, they must be given their own space and the help that comes to oneself must be delineated.

The problem is most relationships –whether friendships, bloodline or romantic are based on the principle of complete dependence. While the worldly conditions today seldom allow such dependence. In that case, the conflict happens and the people involved pay a heavy price.

To be on a safer side, keep your senses intact, maintain a safe distance. Keep optimal closeness and reach out to your loved ones, but keep the safe distance – as they say, social distancing.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

“What will be the song for this year?”, she asked

“Come here, I will show you the song. I don’t want to play that loud.”

“Dude! Why this?”

I truly had no reply for her question. I told her that I was not in a situation where I could explain the worth of that song. It was only once I was out of this place, could I really get to the girth of the song and then be able to explain others the reason for liking it in the first place. Songs like these are infectious. You will not be able to quote a reason why you like them. Afterall, infections don’t happen to you on an invitation, they just happen.

What would happen, if for once, I tried to understand and try explaining the song to others? Will they be able to gauge the vast valley of emotions it creates? Will they be in a position to appreciate the way I do? Or will they ruin my interests in the song, by passing a mediocre remark? The problem is that I am not a music connoisseur and I may like it for something as foolish as the location at which It was shot or the time I heard it.  Probably the other people will never or maybe under most circumstances will not be able to appreciate or feel the way I do.

There was a time, when I used to share the songs that I liked with people, but then gradually I stopped. For me, a song is always beyond just the music. There are so many things which effect my affection for the song- the current situation, the background when I hear the song, the people around, the mood of the day, the weather and so many other factors. To believe that someone else will have the same set of conditions around will be foolishness. Hence, I reserve my choices to myself and only share it with people I know have a taste similar to mine.

After all, music for me is not just chords and lyrics, music and composition. Its beyond the realm of humanity, extends into the foray of life, nature and environment.

So for the time being, I leave you with an information that I wrote all of this while listening to one of the songs which is extremely close to me. When I say extremely, I mean extremely!

Which song?

Probably, we will discuss about it some other day.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

Why don’t we talk anymore?
Did you ever give it a thought, why you stopped talking to someone just at one moment in particular and then made up a vow to never do it again? What makes you take such decisions out of the blue? Is it ego or is it the sourness that emerges between two? Well, sometimes, it might not be either of this.  Sometimes, people cease to stay in touch simply because it’s a hindrance to something even more beautiful, even more grander and even more important.
Like, a passion, a family, another relationship or maybe just the mental peace. People may adopt two ways for the same – cut down the priority and gradually bring down the importance or take the other harsh route, to chop down everything at one go. Chopping down takes less effort to chop but exponentially more to keep the inertia going on. It is all about dying down gradually vs suddenly gasping to death. While death is certainly non-avoidable, the process is. the pain of dying can be controlled.
Chopping down suddenly is a major disruption, it can dismantle parts of your life, destabilise your thinking patterns and change the way you operate. We don’t talk anymore, hence is less important. More important is whether this came gradually or suddenly. whether your mind had time to register the exit or it is still in awe. Wishing a slow and gradual exit to all others.

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

Alone.

The amount of subjectivity this word contains is enthralling. You can be silent and quiet inside a room and call yourself alone. You can be amidst 4-5 people and yet call yourself as alone or feel lonely in other words. You may at times, even feel that there are instances wherein there is a whole crowd, but you seem to be lost. Happens?

Probably, yes. Might have happened with each of us. What is it that is wrong? Are we not trying to perceive people as they come to us? Is it the difficulty in accepting people in our lives or is there something else going around? Why does it become so difficult to come out of the lost world, so much so, some have to undergo formal counselling sessions for the same?  Do we make things so complicated or are they really this bad?

The problem is driven by an identity. People under such catastrophic experiences often are overtaken by the memories of some unique identity. It is the absence of such identities, that makes them vulnerable and ultimately they fall for loneliness. It has less to do with staying alone and more with staying with the “missing”. While such a person walks with others in a crowded area, they are already busy with the memories. It might seem off, but on a different note, it might actually be a good idea to let the person stay aloof when in crowd. Instead, if at all counselling is needed, it has to be done while such a person is alone. It is the lonely mate that is required to be moved away and only then is it possible to bring that person back to reality.

Such illusions can be fatal sometimes. The effective drag it has on a mind is severe. The word “Alone” has to be dealt at a very different level. Not everyone who is lonely, is alone. It is something worth investigation and proper, formal counselling. The identification of such loneliness in itself is a major task.

Well anyways, power to all of those who are working tirelessly in helping people quit their loneliness. Hoping we have a better tomorrow for everyone lonely out there.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“I wish to go back to college”, he said.

“But isn’t your college over now?”

“Yes, but I wish to go back. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. It was so sudden, just a mail one day and we had to vacate. What about the farewell parties, what about the last late night coffee slots, what about the 5am maggi rounds? I can courier the things, but what about the memories?”

“Dude, you are over-reacting, it is all because of this pandemic and now don’t turn this into some ‘its-my-bad luck’ thing”.

“I don’t know how to explain this to you, but this is difficult man. I did not want and never imagined I will have to leave out this way. Its excruciating and painful. So many memories and so much of affection for that place and such an end to the beautiful journey”.

Well, in all its dimensions, while logic suggests to move on, our heart and minds do wander over a point in past – round and round. All it take to go back in time is a memory. It sucks you in time and you enter a zone of intangible euphoria and that seems beautiful. But in all our senses, we realize that it is not the truth. The truth is far from what seems.

Beautiful moments and memories happen and go across fast. They just stay for a flash moment and then rush apart. But we all are so vulnerable to such changes that we often remain stuck then and there. And being stuck is not the major problem, it is the craving to go back that makes a person even more vulnerable. It makes people so weak from within that they often fail to see what the present and the future has in store for them. It is a weird kind of a scenario wherein, the more we know, the lesser we understand and the lesser we understand, the more is the craving to know things.

It is better to let things that have gone, go! Create a box and conserve what you have left with you. Never challenge time. Cease to lag, Keep flowing.

Always ranting,

Rantzaada.

Notifications dropping down fast. 100,150,200,250,300 and so on. Amidst all, you try searching that one person. Don’t find? Never mind – keep waiting. It is this hope that keeps us alive.

Why do we want to share things with the ones, whom we are “not supposed to” share with? What is this special craving with us? Why not let alone people rather than keep them in your thoughts and every time something new happens, why are you often wanting to tell them all?

It is all the game of acceptance. You accept someone as a part of you and that part is not informed about some important event in your life, we tend to try for “pushing the information to them through other channels – friends, social media, print media, etc.

It might seem to be a meagre issue, but it is difficult to quantify the tension that is created within the person when the information does not reach to the place it is directed to. But what is the solution?

What do different people, who fall to such issues, do? One way is to assume they are there seeing everything you do, but probably not reacting because, well, that’s what they have been doing till now. The other approach is to create a character that matches the one you miss. It can be a sketch, a piece of music or just anything.

The point is, we all want and wish to share our secrets, achievements and nearly every other life event with people who are special for us. It is the feeling of sharing that makes us crave for it. It is the need for an exhaust for the bubble within.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

“Would you care less, if it didn’t work out?”

“What?”

“this thing between us both..”

“why do you think it wont work out..?”

“No, I was just asking.”

“Don’t be a jerk, lol”

“No tell me, will you be indifferent to all of this if that happened?”

He held her hands and looked straight into her eyes.

“If you happened to go away right now, pulling your hand out, I will probably take this napkin with me and stay in love with this forever.”

She looked into her eyes for a few seconds and then smiled back, “you’re a definite jerk!”

..and both of them laughed!

I, never for once, have felt that love can be erased. It simply cannot. The chapter can be closed, the pages be isolated, crumpled, torn or thrown away, but you cannot erase things from the book of life. If it indeed got deleted, it wasn’t written well enough to exist in the first place.

It is tough to imagine how people “forget” people from their lives. Sometimes it is understandable that someone might want to walk away from something very specific, but for times to come, you cannot simply forget. You might sometimes want to brush off your feelings from the fabric of the relationship that you shared, but you cannot remove the stains. Love happens once and it can happen again, but the stains from each one of them stick to you independently.

These are happy stains. They bring to the front the best of you. The smiles that you carried on your face when all of that happened, the moments and the elastic emotions, simply cannot be undone.

After all, we are just living beings made of raw wet earth, vulnerable and impressionable.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

When at the top of the trajectory, even if for a moment, you wish to shout out for one last time before descending down, who are you shouting for? The air, the clouds, the trees, the world? We sometimes want to shout out in the loneliest of places, with absolutely no one around – for whom? We shout internally, without making a single noise sometimes – for whom?

At all these times, we shout to make our inner selves listen to what we couldn’t convey all these years. We want ourselves to know that we are not weak – the “supposed” weakness, if at all, was temporary in nature and now it has gone. It is important – this shout, this war cry, makes your inside know what you are outside. Gives you a sense of victory or at least a sense of pride.

Be the one who knows that you are going to win – maybe at the fag end, but you must keep trying. Because the you, within you – is waiting to sit back and laugh on your efforts and then silence you down again. Beat that inside, mark a hill, plan a trek, reach the top and shout at the peak of your lungs. It must be a war cry and it must reach the inside of you.

And if all goes well, before coming down, ask yourself, “ hey, did you listen?”

Always Ranting, Rantzaada

So you feel successful now? A little puffed up – maybe? What about the glamour  that surrounds henceforth? Is it okay? What if all of this didn’t really matter in the first place?

When you reach the apex, wind speed surges multifold and the routes become narrower and vulnerable. At heights you cannot walk in groups, it has to a secluded walk, often keeping a distance from the others around. But who do you share with when you get all that  you ever wanted – upward on that frail, vulnerable narrow path? The presence of someone who can hold your hand and hug you tight and say, yes you made it-does make a difference.

We have always quantified success in erroneous forms. Sometimes by money, sometimes by fame and many a times by greed. But how many of us actually do end up being “happy”? I seldom see people happy and successful – it’s usually either of those. Why so?

The problem is most things that make you successful these days don’t leave you happy? Happy?? But we do see cheerful faces and raised glasses in those parties, haven’t we? That cheerful face, you see down there in the hall – is success. The tired and the taken off face in the car while you return back home, 3 am in the night, is the absence of happiness.

The point is – life has to be multi-dimensional. Singularity can only make you happy if what you do and what you love converge. Life is never unidimensional – there has to be a myriad of things to satisfy your different organs.

There has to be something that treats your eyes, that is blissful to your ears, something of good taste, a soft physical touch and have a good conversation with someone. All of this apart from the work which you are passionate about. If you can manage a life where all your 5 senses alongwith your passion, according to me, is success.

So, apart from the really long workday that you had, did you manage to get a good hack for all your senses, you truly are living a great life.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

Thirty rupees. A 20 rupee note and a 10 rupee note. Enough for a day? Maybe, I don’t know. I feel it’s a little less. But I remember a chapter from my physics book –Relativity. Relation between two or more objects changes if you change the frame of reference and the position of the viewer. Right? I thought I must better verify this before I make any voracious comment. I went on to ask many people- if rupee 30 was enough for them for a day?

I went to a shopkeeper. He laughed at me. I moved out instantly. “No” I checked onto my notebook.

I went to a cobbler. He seemed a little quizzed by my question. “No” I checked onto my notebook.

I went to a rag picker. She asked me if I would give her 30 rupee if she answered. “Yes”, I checked.

I went to a mentally ill homeless man. He asked me what he needs to do to get that 30 bucks. He also added, he is ready to do anything for the same. “Definitely yes!” I checked.

It took me a day to get these five categories of responses and multiple responses within each category from which I mentioned one each above.

Privilege is a strange word. It is so very relative and looks completely different from different frames of references. It changes its form with every changing point of observation. After a day or two of analyzing the survey, I realized that privileged is nothing but a state wherein you can overlook the fact that you possess the bare minimum to survive. Read that again –

Being privileged is nothing but a state wherein you can overlook the fact that you possess the bare minimum to survive. While you might overlook it, there are so many others who crave for it. Even you, yourself for that matter might crave for it a few moments later.

“You free today?” Praveen asked.

“Umm let me see, I will let you know if I have time in the afternoon. A little caught up with some work”, Nishita said.

“Ah, ok! No worries.”

She hung up the call and called back Zaid.

“Are we leaving at 11?” she asked.

“Umm, ey! I am in a limbo right now. Got a few chores to finish off. Why don’t you plan for the evening instead? Or maybe, just give me some time, once I finish I will let you know. Is that Cool?”, Zaid said.

“Yea, okay”. She hung up the call again.

3 different apartments. 3 different beds. Praveen waits for Nishita to reply and she waits for Zaid to. While this happens, Zaid is busy with his PS4 and his online community and the other two wait.

Limbo.

There is someone who is privileged and there is someone who’s in sheer need of it. There is Nishita who will probably ask me if I would give her the 30 bucks if she answered and then there is Praveen – who is akin to the homeless man. He is probably going to do anything to get the 30 bucks. And Zaid? He is probably the store fellow – he would probably laugh off the value of a 30 rupee note. Not that he doesn’t value 30 rupees, he is probably going to hit you if you skip paying him his 30 bucks, but then at that point of time, it really doesn’t matter.

Life is all about changing piers and changing stages. Your observation and your frame of reference keeps changing. Someday you will be the one privileged, but on all other days, you will be the one craving. Point is to understand the respect things deserve, irrespective of their position therein.

“I guess my work will take a little while – shall we plan for some other day?”, Nishita texted Praveen.

“O yea, sure! No problems. Good luck with your work”, he looked silently at his phone and then kept it on one side. Stood up and put his birthday cake inside the refrigerator. Shut the curtains and lay down. Alone and quiet.

“I will be done by 1, let me know if we’re going”, Nishita texted Zaid.

“Umm, I am afraid, we will not be able to make it there today. Lets plan for tomorrow, no?”, Zaid replied.

“Hmm, yea. Okay.”

Hmm.

Yea.

Okay.

_____

Always Ranting,

Rantzaaada.

“Just when you wish, those things in the deep sky will turn red and then blue and then white”, the angel said.

“What are those, metal sheets?”

“No!”

And by this time, my eyeballs rolling over and over again – I was visually rushing through what they called a ‘cineshot’. I ensured I did not miss even a frame. I felt a soft hand brush aside my right hand and for the first time in the last two hours, I felt de-focused.

I look at her and all my nerves slowly calm down. The room suddenly begins to light up, frame by frame, pillar by pillar. It was as if, the whole world waited for this to happen. As the red’s turned to yellows and then lemon greens and the greys turned to whites, my eyes relaxed. I could feel as if, this was all I ever waited for. It was barely 3 minutes since that brushing touch and here was my entire world collapsing. Collapsing chaos into order.

“You feel weight, do you?”the omnipresent voice again asked.

“No, why?”

“Ahan! You dont feel weight pushing you within the chair?”

“Umm, I am not sure of what that means!”

“Okay,..

…

Now?”

“Uh, I feel a little uneasy, wait! What are you upto? What is this now?”

“Take a little more of that”, I felt as if the voice smiled.

“arghhh, what are you doing? what is this! It feels crazy..”

Suddenly the chair kind of pulls me down. Down-Down-Deeper! The soft hands by the side, now seem above me. Something pulls me down with a force more than G. may be 2x G or 3x G. I try moving my legs, throwing them across the edges of the deep well to get hold of something, but the speed of all that simply increases.

I open up my eyes with a sinking heart, sweaty head and dry lips.

Feels kind of rough in the throat, like probably I shouted and shouted for long. My friend next room comes running in. Opens the door.

“Woah, what happened there? Why you shouting mate?”

“Uhhh…. Gosh! Umm. Nothing just a bad dream I guess.”

“Cool then”

I lie back again and try recollect what just happened. Red sky? Red to blue to white? After multiple attempts, it felt like it was some sorts of a theatre and maybe I was watching a cinema and a soft touch and then..? Something happened which pulled me in. I felt a little stressed and I lay down again.

Within minutes, I felt a soft hand brush against my right hand again. I move back to see who it was, but before that I checked everything around. It was my room and probably I wasn’t dreaming this time. I looked at her, yet again and all those feelings came gushing in, again.

“I just saw a dream and you sat the same way and then I fell somewhere deep. I was so scared. I am glad you are here again. Is this a dream? Another dream?”

She moved towards me and kept a hand on my shoulder and said, “No it’s not! Not this time again”.

And we smiled. Together. Again. A memoir of those old days. I move my hand to touch her face. Its been long. Too long. My hands feel heavy though. I try to raise my hands at her smiling face again. After multiple attempts, she moves towards me and places her face on my palm. The air suddenly turned blue. It was a monochrome of blue – everywhere. I couldn’t stop but cry. Cry at the whelm of my capacity. I feel the sore throat again. I can hear my cry. But its more of a continuous groan.

I wake up once again. To the same sore throat, wet eyes and heavy head. I look at my phone across the table – unlock it- and check the folder – and look at her photo.

“Why was it a dream again?”

“No, it wasn’t a dream!”, the photo replied.

Always Ranting,

Rantzaada.

For some days, different than all the others, I really want to rush back to that “everything”. Which was a small world of happy utopian situations. Everything looked picture perfect, not an inch placed wrong. Not that I miss it terribly, but I lament the fact that there is no going back.
Out of all the mishaps, the one that I feel the most sick about is the fact that I cannot even fool myself to believe that things will be “that” good again. Somewhere in me, things are always going to remain the way they were dreamt to be. Not an inch more, not an inch less.
“Did you carry that mask?”
“The one I carry when I walk?”
“Yes”
“Ah, nevermind, I am not going to need that today. It’s mostly a bus journey. I use it when I need to walk on the road for long. To keep away the dust.”
“Ok, but just for a chance, keep it no. You look funny with this mask, so keep it”, and she laughed.
“Why don’t you go and get your brain checked someday, I reckon there is a severe leak in your crania.”
I was pushed, like always and I rushed outside the office, looking back, taking that warm bye bye.
A minute later I received a text, “Show me how you look with that stupid mask!”
I did not send her the image.
….
But I wish to today. I wish to send a pic with my stupid mask – something which was a safety gear for me for a specific purpose, is today, a global need – infact, an enforcement. Times change, so do utopian dreams.
It can be a person, a moment or anything else, what comes has to go and what never existed, will come one day.
It’s said, “No one can stop an idea, whose time has come”, I believe this same phrase can be re-aligned as
“No one can stop a situation, whose time has come“

Always Ranting,
Rantzaada.

We all do love talking about the great and good times from our lives. Maybe to a family, to a friend or a general acquaintance and sometimes even with absolute strangers. Reminiscence of good times gives a special feeling of nostalgia and relief. It is akin to opening up an old album of pictures and going through it page by page, slide by slide. Watching albums is fun with people – sometimes, alone too. But remembering past times, the good times, alone is surely not a good experience.

It is difficult to imagine a situation that you have a pleasant situation, but absolutely no one to talk about that. It may not happen to someone their whole lives and might happen to someone all the time. It’s petrifying at the least to imagine something like that. Its like water rushing in a faucet with the valves tightly closed. It’s disturbing and it’s haunting. In such situations, the only thing you pray is that these internal memory burps must never come back. They make you nothing but restless. You want to talk to someone about it, share it with someone who might be aware with the very thing and alas! There isn’t anyone. It’s terrible.

How does one come down to such a state? How are there situations when a vibrant era does not have even a single survivor to share and let go of your inner nostalgia? These are the subtle hints from your life that there a few things – life wants you to forget and walk ahead. So what do we do? Whom do we tell? How do we communicate what’s rushing inside?

Over the years, when you face the same situation over and over again, you learn to develop a defence mechanism. Every creature develops their own based on the tenacity of the problems they face. A tip to tackle the above issue is to develop multiple strands of personalities within yourself and let one communicate with the other. It is not the easiest of tasks to do, normal human normalcy doesn’t allow you to do that. It’s a thing understandable and justifiable only to the one facing the tunes.

Let the different people in you share the different things amongst themselves. The best part? All of them know each other precisely – through all the thicks and thins, through all the hidden that you couldn’t possibly express. It is a pleasant experience, being self-dependant and self-defendant. Do try it, if the music someday turns upon you.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

How do you gauge how painful failing will be? How do you estimate, how badly broken your soul will be if things don’t work out? What does it mean to be crushed to the earth?

For everything that comes or is poised to come in at some point of time, you can atleast make one prediction precisely – without fail and that is that it will someday end. Everything ends – some before expected and some beyond. Things come because they have to go. It is this inherent property of matter in the universe that there is pain, remorse and despair. It is the ultimate truth and yet, it costs us so much of our lives to realise and get through it.

If at all, we could know how badly it was going to push us through, maybe we could look for ways to resist and recover. Make ourselves more resilient and a tad better to handle the crisis. But how precisely, could we do it?

There is no answer to it and there is possibly no way of looking for answers, but there is one hint that lies right within the fact that whatever comes has to go and whatever will cause you pain by going would have come some day. Yes they all came up to you as situations, people or places and then submerged you into its own existence. And that is where, I believe the key lies.

It all depends on how dearly you approach things in the first place. If you approached someone with an approach value of ‘x’, you’re probably going to feel anything more than or equal to ‘x’ when the thing subsides. You feel more pained if you had approached it quickest or with the highest approach value.

This is probably why, all fables and tales suggest that consume happiness in small and patient chunks. Anything pleasant should be consumed with utmost patience and sheer control. If you rush through it or to it, you are bound to feel the brunt of separation when it’s time to part. All short stories end with the most face-punching impacts.

So, when welcoming a pleasant thing in your life, stay conscious of the way you consume their presence.

Chew for long.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

Have you ever experienced a tsunami of emotions? Like you be okay and all sound one moment and then suddenly something happens and that pricks you like a needle and you spring up – and then hoards of emotions from all the three dimensions of time – present, past and future come gushing in. The pain form the past, the failures of the present and the fear of the future. These moments are well, the best things that can happen to a blown-in mind. They act like fuses and bear the brunt of the ill-feelings in you in a single moment.

What are these reflexive actions? Why do we react so fiercely to so many different things, but explode on only a few things within less than a second and then every thing related or unrelated starts surfacing up.

Imagine having a small argument with your room-mate and that sends you flying into your own room and banging shut the door behind you. The argument could’ve been for the monthly room rent, but the moment you enter the room – all 3 dimensions suddenly make way. Your ex’s, your parents, your failures, your pain and all the apprehensions from the future make way into your mind. What is all of this?

Physics tells you that impulse, I = F x dT or the net force on the object times the time period over which the force is applied. Lesser the time of application, the higher will be the force for a constant amount of Impulse.

What is impulse? It is the argument you went into. What’s the force – it the reaction you provided within a small amount of time. The lesser the time, the higher will be your reaction force. That is the whole idea of your impulse. So when you take longer to react to something, the force with which it hits you is much less and when the same happens within a very short period of time, it hits your head with a massive force. Hence the running and banging the door behind you.

It is at these moments, one must attempt to shut all modes of expression and try to channelize things in a different direction. Only then can the force be utilized, else it will burst through your mind and will leave you in shackles and it will only keep becoming worse. Go ahead, listen to music, write or talk to someone on an entirely different topic or for a change, don’t do anything. Just lay idle.

Things will subside. Don’t stop the reflexes. Channelize them into something creative and relaxing.

May the force be with you.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

There are some people, some places and a few moments – that keep acting as your diffusers for all times to come. You don’t need them to be with you alongside always. Just a brief moment of association is also more than enough to savour things for life. Whenever life sucks you in deep burrows of despair, it is these moments that act as the life-saving elixirs for all of us. When tears fill your eyes, it is these moments that hold the tears upto the brim for the longest and help you pursue different methods of dealing with your issues.

“3^rd, 4^th or 5^th?”

“Umm, 4^th?”, she replied.

“Hahahaah, no wrong! 3^rd it is”, I replied as I laughed back.

“Who are the first two?”, She asked.

“That’s not important, what is important, that you’re the third thing that I look for always”.

“un – hn”.

Why do I keep people pinned up in my life as per their importance? Does it make things easier for me or complicated or even messed up? Well, to be sure – I am not aware and I will never want to know. Most of us feel confident about thing only till they do not know about it inside out. To know things inside out and still be confident about it – it heavenly. It is beyond worldly logic. Such things must be embraced and embraced for life.

It is these things that bring great relief and great empathy to you, even in their absence.

Years later, when things take an ugly turn, all you need to do is to extend hand and seek these “Pinned people” in your life. They will have all the medication you need to recover and pull yourself up within no time. And please note, you don’t need them physically or even remotely connected to help you heal. All the moments that you’ve spent with them, all the attached memories, they are bloody enough to help you push through.

“Hey, long time. Ummm, how are you?”, I met her across the daily market in the city I was freshly posted in.

“Hey, what a pleasant surprise! Pretty long since we met last time”, I responded while trying to come to terms that she was right there infront of me.

“Yea, you never know, 3^rd, 4^th or 5^th?” she asked.

“1^st”.

She still was the best diffuser I could ever have.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

If not always, why do we (most of us) miss home in the most desperate and traumatic moments? Why does nothing else comforts us more than our home when things take an evil turn? These questions are not philosophical ones, rather they need a very objective approach to think why things like these happen.

Take it a step ahead. Why is it that sometimes, staying at home becomes the very issue you were running from when you came home? Why – when you stay home for a long time, you begin to crave for private space. For a buffer, for some freedom to do things which are inappropriately termed in family norms. For exploration, which is probably not a chance back home, because it is often very difficult to come out of the cocoon under the supervision of parents and other elders in a family. You take your turn only when they retire and let you take it. Every other attempt is usually considered amateur and futile. You might be managing the world outside, but when it comes to a guided and a guarded environment, it usually overturns you into an amateur kid doing expected to do silly things and respond to the lamest of activities.

Taking tasks uprightly in their face, is something not most parents allow their kids to do. It is mostly a result of their over-protectiveness and the fear of “inefficient” attempt. It is this attitude of such protected environments that we see trends, where in people who have largely stayed independent discover new activities and traits at a fast rate, commit mistakes at a faster rate and perfect those activities even faster. But the tragedy of the whole process is that most of “these independent individuals” will again attempt to create an environment where in the perfect is “served” to the next generation. Where mistakes are humiliated and processes are “done” for them.

As a person who is now nearly stepping into the next phase of my life, the 30s, I realise how important it is to let people discover processes, commit mistakes and then learn the art of perfecting processes. Every age and every generation brings along newer ideas and better methods to think, learn and innovate. A free-hand to discover things on their own and a safe environment to aid them in learning – be it at home or outside, is the thing we can all do at least to help making home as fun as outside.

Life skills can come in two ways – handed over or be learnt. In most cases (barring a few like touching electricity), learning skills as a first hand experience is the one that innovates, stays longer and bears much more than the handed one. But one thing to be noted, the one who “learns” must not again try and “hand over” the same to the next generation.

Lets make home a better place – a fun place for generations to come.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

I had 3 guns, 80 ammo and 3 more points to be captured. I was running in straight without a fear. The run was familiar and I knew precisely where the hideouts were. It was only a matter of time that I would reach the zenith of this track and then the ultimate challenge of the track would stand right on my face. I ran as fast as I could. I did not look behind for my mates and thankfully so. It would have cost me my life when it was the most critical time of all.

In no time, I reached the point where I knew things would get most difficult. I felt a rush down my spine. I tightened my grip again on my gun and aimed at this final target. It was not even a question anymore. It had to be achieved. I targeted and fired and missed. Drops of nervousness dripped down my face.
“No, not again”, I said to myself. Not like the last time. This time, it will be a victory and there is no way I am going to back off. I shot repeatedly till the target was raised to the ground. There was dust all around and all I could see was smoke in the air. Colloidal particles floating all over. Out of nowhere, suddenly a bullet hit my head.

A headshot!

I fell right on my face. They told me I was busted. Yet again.

The screen resumed. Back to square one. Start from the beginning, if at all you want to. Schemes like these feel like bogus. You reach the ultimate zenith and then pulled down to square 1. Not fair.

This is a simulation. A game. A game involves reflexive emotions. You don’t carry on your remorse or victory for long. The feelings involve smaller cycles.

Life does the same to you. You reach the apex of something and then a mishap happens and you come down to the first level. No forgiveness. Nothing. Nowhere. The emotional cycles here are long. Terribly long. Incredibly long. Sometimes as long as your life.

It feels really unfortunate when you miss it at the final stage. It seems like your whole effort drained. Some things are beyond efforts. They drain you. They drain your vision. They drain your hitherto goals and charm for life. What is even worse is that these things come without a warning. Imagine, waiting for your graduation and then the next day suddenly told to start back from the year or of the study. It is that terrible. Very terrible indeed.
I feel there should be a mezzanine.

Somewhere, something in between, where one could land for some time. A place where not everything is lost. Where you can still hold your ground and wait and prepare for another try.
I don’t know if it’s imaginary enough to be thinking all of this, because life never gives a second chance, it only gives you “another chance, but from start”.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

Twice an hour, multiple hours a day, many days a week and multiple weeks a month, we find ourselves stuck in a severe storm of failure. Sometimes meager and often strong and damaging, these moments of failures pull us down and throw us in the deep pit of hopelessness and despair. It’s in these dark pits that the real test for character begins. This test of character is the real stuff and it is most probably the make or break moment for anyone.

You can either sit back or tag your problems to your fate, your misfortune, etc. or you can push yourselves up and plan and move ahead. Think of possible ways to bring yourself out. A deep pit often gives you an opportunity to jump, because nothing less than a jump will bring you to the surface. So life, kind of pushes you – to remind you of your ability to jump and to plan and process when things are dismal and the situation is absolutely hopeless.

People have absolutely different ways of dealing with such situations. I have my own, you will have your own. It is important we keep listing out our ways and modes of managing crisis. When I am in my deepest dark moments, I bring to my balance a few things from the past and the few things from the future. How do I measure it?

On one side of the balance, I keep my accomplishments from the past- all the hard work, all that I have achieved, all that my close and dear ones have bestowed on me, all the values that I have imbibed from everyone around me. On the other side of the balance, I keep what the present situation will bring if continues status quo – which means let whatever is happening, happen. Do not endeavour to change. The moment I put them both on the balance, the very next moment I realise what to do next – almost everytime.

It is this that makes me fight for everything that I have lived up till now. Gives me the strength to fight the most difficult situations that have ever come to me in my life. Not that I have had the most excruciating pain of all, but whatever has come on my part, I have faced it with valour and have come out of most of it successfully and will keep trying to come out of anything that pushes me down to the darkest alleys

Why do I write?

I write this to remind myself of what actions I take every time – almost subconsciously. Writing this down somewhere concretes this idea of decision making in difficult times. Try writing down whatever you subconsciously seem to do or decide when things go wrong. IProbably the better and easier way to decide to know a little more about your own self.

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

What makes two people fight? What makes you and your special one fight? What makes you stand across your parents, or your siblings or spouses? If you could boil down the entire gamut of issues between any two individuals or a group of individuals, in all probabilities, it will come down to the deadliest 3-letter word ever – EGO.

How do you deal with it? What is more important – your ego or the person who are in conflict with? How to deal with the thin line that divides Ego and self-respect? How do you know when to go mum and stay quiet? How do you know if that even works? To answer all these questions, the only way is to ask your inner conscience. Only you and you alone can decide upon all these questions. Once you decide between your ego and the person-in-conflict, thereafter, there is a mantra that can help you minimize or bring your ego down to zero.

Once you are done deciding that you need to calm down the situation, remember one thumb rule – When two people with ego levels E1 and E2 interact, their combined ego is always equal to the product of their individual ego. How can we visualise the product? Take the product to be the combined anger that you both attain at the peak of your quarrel. This ego product pushes you both to an even higher level of quarrel and pushes you off the grounds of patience and dialogue.

Taking this expression mathematically, you will realise that even if your individual ego values are of the range of 100, the combined effective ego range will be 10000, which will be 100 times the ego levels your both can personally bear and this is where you both will lose it. So what is the solution to this multiplication? Any amount greater than 1 will only amplify the situation. An amount lesser than 1? Is that the range you must be looking at?

Precisely, Yes!

The moment you are in a scuffle where you desperately want to end the sequence of quarrels, just remember the clash of ego’s is a multiplication process. The moment one of the two brings their respective ego below 1 or takes it to zero, the effective ego begins to decrease. The lower you take your ego, the lesser the effective ego will turn out to be. If any one of the two, brings their ego level down to zero, due to the product nature, the effective ego will turn out to be zero.

This might seem complicated at the first read, but this is precisely what people have been doing since the last so many years. Whenever there is a fight or a quarrel and you do not want to escalate things further, one of the two shuts down – stops quarrelling. The other one begins to descend down the ego ladder and gradually after some time, the quarrel subsides. But the moment, you start fighting back with anything greater than your regular ego, the fight escalates.

Remember,

Your ego = E1,

The ego of the person you are in conflict with = E2

The effective ego product = E1 x E2

If ego lies between 0 to 1, E = Self-respect

If ego lies at 1, E = peak of Self- respect

If ego becomes more than 1, E = EGO.

Hence,

If, 0<E<1, it is safe.

If E=1, it is still safe, but at the brink of danger.

If E>1, a conflict situation. Bring it down to 1 or below as soon as possible.

If the fight increases, bring your ego, E1 =0,

Hence the Effective Ego of the conflict, becomes, E1xE2 = 0 and the quarrel subsides.
________________

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

“Lets not make a big issue out of this now, we are both adult enough to understand what to do next. Lets stay in touch, but not this way – a little less.”, she said.

“What do you mean by less? How less? Do I see you or I don’t? Do I talk to you or I don’t? Can I think of you or I cannot? Let me know the extent of the ‘less’ that you talk of – if you can ever define that limit. Good bye. What you say, shall be done”, and he left.

So many relations lose out everyday on the context of lessening the amount of interaction they have, rather than a complete crackdown on the relation. I guess, for most of us, that is difficult. But the thought of lessening the interaction or making things “less” intense is a very vague statement in itself. How less?

The less is a large range. If there are two extents – complete crackdown on a relation (call it zero) and a completely normal relation ( call it one), the ‘less interaction’ will randomly lie between 0 and 1-absolutely anything from that range. So when you decide on ending up things with that ‘less interaction’ clause, ensure you understand what the less means. How less.

And make that less, a mutual one. One that fits both of you. The distribution of the less should not be asymmetric. Make it as equal and symmetric as possible. Let us suppose you both end up at a value of the ‘less interaction’ at 0.35. Even after all this effort, there will be some asymmetry. How? Lets see –

For the one who pitched in for the less interaction idea, the less interaction clause will be more of a relief, with a relief value of 0.65 and a punishing value of 0.35.

For the one, infront of whom the idea of less interaction was pitched, the less interaction clause will be more of a punishment, with a punishing value of 0.65 and a relief value of 0.35.

For one, the value of less interaction will be more of a relief and for the other it will be more of a punishment. This is where feelings change. This is where the emotional gap begins. Slowly and steadily while the one who proposed the idea, will want to decrease the value towards zero, because that is where the extreme satisfaction lies. Meanwhile, the other person will do their best to keep the value afloat at 0.35, lest it falls down even lower. A case of asymmetry.

Such is life. Life is anything but mathematics. We all would wish it was more like mathematics-could’ve been much more convenient. Anyways, make sure you know what and where does your ‘less’ lie!

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.