This is a continuation of the Rant 245 : The dilemma of the lama – 2. Read it at the below link.
Though his mental health deteriorated too swiftly in the past few months, he increasingly found a growing concern for the lady he was been attended by. He was forced to lie to her about his condition to make sure she was not overloading herself with his problems and everytime he lied, he would slip one step deeper into the trench of his virtual darkness. It was more than 7 months since anyone visited his house and more than 4 months since he had cleaned his studio apartment. Everything in his house lay where it laid 4 months back when he returned from the hospital after his first stint of anxiety attack. Post that period, he had been consistently slipping into, what he felt, was a deep valley of ethereal anxiety and tremendous pressure. Then he happened to meet this lady, who in a way was a critical point in the manner he lived his daily life.
On one hand his reputation as a mental health counsellor was incrementally increasing over the past few months and he had more cases to work with than ever. From having a few visitors to his office to signing institutional contracts worth much more than his earlier annual incomes. The only setback, was his own health factor, which he believed was the sole reason behind his success. On his drawing room walls, he had multiple inscriptions made with pencil, charcoal or anything that could leave a mark.
Some of the lines he wrote there were:
“I studied so I could treat. I can heal them now because I am suffering myself.”
“Whatever you do for me, will not be enough”
“Each time I lie to you, I suffer.”
“All I want now, is to go out, meet you and take a stroll on green grass”
“Tell them that I treated them with the best I could in my own distress”
This anecdote from the life of a mental health counsellor’s life is just one of the many instances we can come through around us. Most of us, at some point in our life get stuck in a severe vortex, a whirlpool of compassion and regret, dark and light. To make a decision at that point in time is difficult and what most of us end up doing is to keep spiralling in the distress of the vortex.
We may be a lama in our own capacities, but inside us, each lama is in a dilemma. Those who break the sheath of dilemma shine while the others twinkle for some time and then disappear in the great cosmic darkness within all of us.
The Dilemma of the Lama.
Always Ranting, Rantzaada.
To be continued..
Continue reading at the below link.