Rant 188: The Confusion

After this long, it has really left me thinking. I am in two minds and let me accept it wholeheartedly I was never this confused ever. 

So, we’re going to go?”Nishita asked. 

Yes, ofcourse. Why are you even asking?

Umm, I don’t know. I just feel something is not right”, she replied. 

I looked at her cross eyed while I was keeping our favourite portable speaker in the luggage. I kept my palm on her face and looked straight into her eyes. 

Look, you’ve just been a little exhausted and tired. I know the best thing you could have got would be a resting vacation at home. But believe me, you will feel better there too. It will be really relaxing.”

No, it’s not about it. Umm, not about what you’re thinking”, she said while she slipped her face down my palms and then moved on towards the window.

 Something hit me. I knew exactly what she was talking about. This was not the first time this had surfaced, but I was not expecting it right now. 

Things are weird when they are undefined. You can have an entire story to yourself, but that story without a cover page, without a preface and without the author’s name and the title of the book, still remains a “draft”. A draft. Just a draft, which basically is nothing but a random collection of thoughts “intended” to be combined at some later stage and published into a book.

Life is not a book, though. It is larger than that. It’s not just one draft waiting to be named. There are numerous drafts and numerous pending stories and unwritten prefaces. Some are missing a cover page, while some stories are incomplete in themselves. It creates immense confusion to decide the method of prioritization of these drafts. 

What are you thinking? Is it the same thing again?”,I asked.

She turned towards me and came closer and held my hand. I have always hated what she was about to say. 

Look, we have to take a call on this. You know how guilty I feel when this…

Shh..!”, I stopped her. 

I took out the speaker from the bag and kept it back in my office bag.

She looked at me startled and tensed, fearing she might have just upset me.

Look, nothing is more important than what you feel about yourself. I have always said this and I repeat today – You mean a world to me and I cannot see my world crumbling down in a sea of guilt. If this trip hampers your peace, I will drop it right away!”, I said to her while I held her right hand in my left. 

It was apparent that she wanted to speak. But I requested her not to. I took my bag and left out from the door. I texted her from the parking, “take care. See you tomorrow at office. Idiot!

I reached home and fell straight onto the bed. I was confused that day. Terribly confused. I am confused today too. Even more terribly than that day. What if everything I do, what if my existence pushes her off her regular mental peace? I dropped the plan to trip that day, what else do I own to drop now?

I am confused. 

Always Ranting, Rantzaada.

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